Well, somebody clearly shook somebody for a certain amount of time

Sarah Taylor from The Taylor Project recently welcomed an as-yet-unnamed baby woman into the VPS, I mean the world. This is a momentous event, yet I feel a small cringe of guilt. Prior to the happy event Sarah and I had gone to see AC/DC live in Melbourne to get in touch with our inner (or not so inner) bogan. More or less as a direct result, several of the presents at her baby shower had AC/DC references on them, despite the fact that Sarah's favourite band of that era is Guns'n'Roses and strictly speaking the items should have had huge afro wigs or at least a headband to cover the baby's baldness.

Nevertheless, as much as I love Gunners, I just don't find them iconic in the way that AC/DC are - possibly because no member of AC/DC has publicly gone crazy Broadway-style the way Axl Rose has, which is not to dismiss the multiply orgasmic qualities of You Could Be Mine.

And I'd been drunkenly burbling to Sarah about what a Zen koan You (Shook Me All Night Long) is. It's about fucking. One particular incident of fucking. It describes the personal qualities of the co-respondent that resulted in said fucking being particularly memorable. It has 3 chords, possibly less. It has the lines "Working double time/on the seduction line", which is unusually clever for an AC/DC song.

And it is surprising - although perhaps it shouldn't be - how well the song works for ladies. I mean, lady singers. Some of them change the lyrics slightly ("he was the best damn lover I have ever seen"), some don't bother. Some of the artists below do faithful-ish rock versions, others, like Bing Ji Ling, reggae it the fuck up. The Tights run it through Emotional Rescue-era Stones. They are all brilliant.

"This is gonna be a fuckin' drunken mess, and we're not even drunk" - Matt Nathanson's bar-room singalong is so joyous you'll wish you were there.

Matt Nathanson - You (Shook Me All Night Long)

Do you remember "Diamond" Dave Lee Roth's version of "Just A Gigolo"? Like that.

The Lost Fingers - Thunderstruck/You (Shook Me All Night Long)

Now it starts getting weird. I used the word reggae about this one, but to be honest, I'm wondering if Tiny Tim should have covered this instead of Highway to Hell.

Bing Ji Ling - You (Shook Me All Night Long)

Not to be confused with the 70s punk rockers, The Tights from Philadelphia run through the jungle with this one. Modded to accommodate heterosexual women.

The Tights - You (Shook Me All Night Long)

I didn't like Arab Strap's version when I first heard it, but it has a certain endearing drunkenness to it, like a Scottish Shane McGowan.

Arab Strap - You (Shook Me All Night Long)

Tori Amos. You know what to expect here.

Tori Amos - You (Shook Me All Night Long)

Necrology's version is fucking brilliant - a Cookie Monster version which doesn't lose any of the fun of the original. Taken from the compilation For Those About To Rot, a tribute album with AC/DC songs by black metal, thrash, prog and hair metal bands.

Necrology - You (Shook Me All Night Long)

And, of course, no compilation of this song would be complete without Canada's finest export after Katy Beaton. Rockists claimed the universe would fold in on itself because of this performance, but Celine is having a ball and it's a lot less tragic than the version with Steven Tyler where Angus Young looks exactly like the head of our Freedom of Information unit. Find it yourself on YouTube - I'm too sad.

New AC/DC! And it's not totally shit!!!

AC/DC's Myspace page features the new single Rock 'n Roll Train. Is it up to the standard of Back in Black? Don't be an idiot. Is it better than Blow Up Your Video? Most assuredly. Is it at least as classic as Thunderstruck? Yeah, I'd say so.

Man, I am so excited - I've never seen AC/DC live, so I feel like I'm only an associate bogan. I've seen the Angels, Rose Tattoo and *sob* Guns'n'Roses, Chisels broke up when I was a kid, but AC/DC was the band that got me from 11 to 19 without committing suicide or homicide. This time around I'm gonna rustle up all my womens (Denise has seen TISM, now she needs her first stadium experience) and drag us all down to the National AC/DC Centre. Eeeeeeeeeeeep!!!

In Which A Whimsical and Cute Idea Turns A Bit Maudlin - George Carlin's Bogus Journey

I was sorry to hear about George Carlin's passing, but 71 is a very respectable run for a guy who not only turned "Shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker & tits" into poetry, but probably "nicotine valium vicodin marijuana ecstasy & alcohol... c-c-c-c-cocaine!!!" as well. This weekend, pull some bongs and watch Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and Bogus Journey in his honour.

All of this faff is leading up to the Fuck entry in the Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television iTunes challenge, in which people with more mp3s than fat cells type rude words into iTunes and post the results. Today will be a heavily edited entry, obviously not out of concern for the kiddies, but because typing fuck into my iTunes search box yields a massive 84 mp3s for 253Mb. Some are repeats from earlier entries (GG Allin's Tough Fuckin' Shit), some are from albums (Who The Fuck Are The Arctic Monkeys?), and there's band names (The Pleasure Fuckers). I'm sure as hell not posting 83 songs, so here's a quick edit of the most interesting songs.

• I Like Fucking, Bikini Kill - I did coffee with one of the younger pubic servants the other day. I'm in a graduate program and I'm clearly one of the older entrants, and she was asking "So were you into grunge? Did you wear a flannel shirt?" No young lady, I danced the Charleston and wore spats. I always hear the last spoken bit of this song as "I believe in the radical consequences of pleasure", even though it's the exact opposite intent of the song (the italicised word is possibilities).

• You Fucked Up, Ween - this actually sounds fairly Melvins-ish. That link leads to a recording of the Enmore Theatre show in March 2008.

• I Got The I Fucked Someone Else And You Found Out About It And Dumped Me Blues, Mississippi Barry - from the A Minute or Less compilation, the title is pretty much the whole song.

• Too Sober To Fuck, New Waver - I'm not uploading this as apparently Greg is donating sales of the Neuters greatest hits (er... work with me here) compilation to Amnesty. If you're not familiar with New Waver's work, it consists of reworkings of popular songs with what might be called more realistic lyrics. Other efforts include Prozac (was: Heroin), Chadstone (was: Jackson), and Monday Morning's Alright for Working. You can buy Neuters from various sources.

• Well Fuck You Then, Dark Meat - this is a total cheat as I did not have this song when I first created the iTunes list, but I discovered it on You Ain't No Picasso via the Hype Machine, and fell in love instantly. Even though I feel like shit, this song is relentlessly bouncy and cheery.

• I Don't Give A Fuck, TISM - This was performed live on the best.off tour and is not released anywhere. Craplister fleur_ishere was generous enough to provide a decent recording. Why am I not posting "I Might Be A Cunt, But I'm Not A Fucking Cunt"? Because it's crap, that's why.
  

• Fucking Boyfriend, The Bird & The Bee - very pretty indie song that was a hit on RRR Breakfasters last year.

• Motherfucker from Hell, The Datsuns - unfortunately I have yet to attempt to actually fuck somebody with this song on the stereo. I do use it on the elliptical machine/cross-trainer thingy a lot, the need for which would largely explain the lack of actual fucking.

• D. F. F., Blood Duster - Let's go motherfuckers!
  

Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television, But Radio? Go Nuts.

The challenge - type each of George Carlin's Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television into iTunes and see what comes up. Post some kickin' tunes. This week, the word Piss doesn't seem to be used a lot by my favourite artists (or even the ones where I've just gone "Meh, that looks interesting" on Hype Machine then forgotten about), but what lacks in quantity we make up in quality.

• Jon Cougar Concentration Camp, Cold Piss - I wasn't expecting much when I downloaded this, being that I was more interested in the fact that this band has the funniest name I've encountered in many a year, but it's actually shitloads of fun. You think you're hot shit, but you ain't nothin' but - Cold Piss!

• Nirvana, Territorial Pissings - anyone remember the rivalry between Guns'n'Roses and Nirvana? Axl Rose, apparently expecting that he and Kurt should be natural allies - we both got beaten up at school a lot, right? - approaches Kurt in a friendly manner only to have Kurt immediately identify Axl as the guy who beat him up at high school a lot. Hilarity ensues.

• TISM, A Hard-Earned Thirst Needs A Big Cold Beer, But I Drink To Get Pissed - Truer words were never spoken.

• Patti Smith, Piss Factory - Keith McEwan, in his memoir Once A Jolly Comrade, recalled that the trigger to his joining the Australian Communist Party was getting the sack for being too good at his job. In this song, Patti discovers that on the production line, nobody likes a smart-arse.
  

• Ween, Piss Up A Rope - Apparently, you can't do it. I missed Ween's live shows this year, because I am an idiot, but Captain's Dead have kindly posted the Enmore Theatre show, which you should download immediately. This is nicked from that post. (You may like to cross-reference this with the similar sounding Tie My Pecker To My Leg, by Mojo Nixon.)

Honourable mention to Against Me!'s Piss and Vinegar - not my sort of thing, but it's available for download somewhere in this list.

Today's uploads hosted by box.net

You Got Nothing I Want - Cold Chisel 101

Back in December '07, Bitterandrew from Armagideon Time posted a summary of an old issue of Hit Parader from November 1981, which rather intriguingly mentions Cold Chisel as "an Aussie rock outfit deemed 'likely' to follow in the footsteps of AC/DC and Air Supply". I asked if he'd actually heard any Chisels and he was curious, so I thought I'd remedy the total lack of Cold Chisel on The Hype Machine and try to explain it to our FTA partners.

How would you explain Chisels to an American? The first thing that jumps to mind is the "Freebird" joke. You know how this goes - you go and see some sensitive balladeer like Sufjan Stevens or Ryan Adams and, during a lull in the show, some wag in the audience yells "Freebird!". Well, in Australia, it's "Play some Chisels!".

An unsuspecting migrant trying to fill in Australia's immigration tests might wrongly think that Australia's national anthem is Advance Australia Fair. The correct answer is, of course, Khe Sanh, the poignant tale of a VietNam vet who returns to Australia only to fail to cope with civilian life. To adequately describe the significance of this Australian Marseillaise, I must turn to people far more competent than I:

an incredibly annoying song that is played at the end of every outer suburban Year 12 Social to a group of vomiting underage drinkers, and every function involving boorish Rock Spider Aussies making utter cocks of themselves abroad, and every footy trip/Grand Final barbeque/buck's night, or any other gathering popular with people who's main philosophy is 2-4-6-8-Bash-A-Gay-Til-He's-Straight...

During the 70s and 80s, Cold Chisel and their fans were despised by indie and alternative types, many of whom bore bruises inflicted by Chisels' more closely-related fans, and it was not until about the middle of this decade that Cold Chisel enjoyed a certain amount of rehabilitation (although songwriter Don Walker has always been held in high esteem by your male white Hornby wannabe's, and rightly so).

In general, Cold Chisel's most popular songs are straight-down-the-line rock, with some sentimental ballads slowing the pace a little. What saves Chisels from being utter shit is the quality of the songwriting. Mostly handled by Don Walker - but all members of the band contributed songs - the songs enable you to see the characters and step into their lives. I don't write this lightly - when you listen to Ita, you can see the stoner share-house full of bogans watching quality TV like Beauty and the Beast. You can relate to the guy who foolishly told his girlfriend they should take a break from their relationship, only for her to up stumps and get married to someone else. I absolutely guarantee you're hankering to rip the headset off, tell the customer to go fuck themselves and head off to Bow River, whatever that may be for you. I mean, for me Bow River is the East Brunswick Club (I have small dreams). The point is that just because I'm a middle-class* softcock doesn't mean I can't see myself in a Chisels song. Here's a great little explanation of the appeal of the Ian Moss-penned Bow River.

*For widely varying definitions of middle class - the reason this post is four months overdue is that I got a job as a real live pubic servant in February, and my life has been a whirlwind of business cases and benchmarking and probity, but not the good kind of probity.

You Must Know:

Khe Sanh
Just what it says on the box. If you don't know any other Chisels songs, this is the one you need to know.

My Turn To Cry
"When I told you just have a good time I think you took me all wrong - next thing you're engaged and a kid is coming along." Remember Barnsey next time you're thinking of suggesting to your partner that you should consider a trial separation.

Choir Girl
Possibly the world's only Top 40 hit about abortion.

No Sense
No Sense is unusual in two regards - firstly, it's stylistically quite distinct from Cold Chisel's typical output, and secondly, it was written by singer Jimmy Barnes, whose career both in Cold Chisel and as a solo artist has not suggested that spiky, post-punk screeds are really his thing.

Bow River
Like a more mainstream version of Take This Job And Shove It.

You Got Nothing I Want
Chisels' response to not breaking the American market.

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Matador Intended Play sampler 2008

I'm not the kind of person who buys everything on a label - I'd like to think people are over that by now - and samplers are often, erm, samply, in the one-song-is-awesome-the-rest-are-pants sense. But I downloaded Matador's annual sampler for 2008 (warning: that's a 70Mb zip file) in a flurried frenzy of downloading in preparation for Cherryrock08, and there's quite a range of decent stuff on it. My picks - Mission of Burma's That's How I Escaped My Certain Fate, The Cave Singers' Helen, Jay Reatard's Always Wanting More and Matmos' Polychords.

There's a reason I'm a public servant and not a record reviewer, you know.

The New Pornographers - All The Things That Go To Make Heaven And Earth (live)

The Cave Singers - Helen

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When you're around, I'm always laughing - The Church and Divinyls, 16.12.07

I probably should have known this before, but Steve Kilbey is frickin' hilarious. I only know two Church songs, and I think you know what they are*, but I thoroughly enjoyed The Church's set without knowing any of the music. It was a bit prog but not offensively so, and Kilbey is not afraid to take the piss out of himself and the audience. Like so:

Because Sydney is better than Melbourne... [audience laughs] it's nothing personal, you just know it's true, because we've got it all, we've got cocaine and hookers and last year a guy in an accounting firm got done for sexually interfering with a rabbit [audience pisses themselves]

[to audience heckle] how's my ear? Or how's my rear? My rear's fine, my ear's not so good... you better hope your rear's this great when you're 53. ... actually, I'm only 26, I've just had a really hard life.

Interestingly, Kilbey actually looks better now than he did 20 or 30 years ago, an impressive feat (and a point of interest for The Fauves' Andrew Cox, who bears a startling resemblance to Kilbey). Apparently some bloggers have already dismissed The Church's support slot as crap - that's unbelievable, the sound was great and the music sexy. If you're going to catch this show on tour, just relax and enjoy the trip.

Enjoy the literary stylings of Steve Kilbey

*After I wrote that I only knew two songs, I searched YouTube and realised that, actually, I know more than I realised. Here's a good one, Reptile, chosen because it's representative of The Church's show tonight and because Kilbey looks fucking hot in the video.



Divinyls came on looking a bit stiff and haggard. Chrissie, as you know, has multiple sclerosis, causing people to point and go "ha ha, she's pissed" - but to be honest, so far it doesn't seem to be affecting her a lot. She's a bit slower than she used to be, but fuck me, SHE'S CHRISSY AMPHLETT AND SHE PWNS YOUR SORRY LITTLE ARSE. And she would do so in a wheelchair with a nebuliser and a colostomy bag.

In any case, the band loosened up after about four songs and you'd never know they were entering their 50s after a life of partying hard. I just discovered that Chrissie is married to the Divinyls' current drummer Charlie Drayton, which makes for an interesting in-band dynamic given her relationship(s) with Mark McEntee. Onstage Amphlett, McEntee and occasionally even Owen bicker like an old married couple, which is hilarious to watch. Everyone in the band's really old but they still rock like motherfuckers.

As always happens when I see bands I like a lot, my favourite live songs were the ones I don't necessarily like so much at home. I was a bit disappointed with Only Lonely, and why wouldn't I be? It's only one of my favourite songs of all time. Whereas the duellin' guitar between Mark McEntee and Charlie Owen on Make Out Alright was frickin' awesome, and the new tracks Don't Wanna Do This and Asphyxiated rocked much harder than on the free single we were given as we went into the show. (I actually like Asphyxiated much better than Don't Wanna Do This - when I first heard it I thought it must have been a song I didn't remember from Monkey Grip.) I was also very happy to hear a comparatively obscure fave, Guillotine Day from the excellent What A Life! album. Unsurprisingly, the highlight of the night was I Touch Myself, which I've been singing all night despite my inability to hold a tune if you glued it to my hand.

As I mentioned on my Stereo Total post, my favourite bands have a nasty habit of not playing MY favourite song live. In the case of the Divinyls, that's this one here.



[EDIT: Adem with an E has a great post with some footage from the Geelong gig taken by mobile phone. And great to see I'm not the only one who missed Siren!]

I'm not the revolution, I'm just your boyfriend - new Electric Six

It took me about four years to get into Electric 6, mainly because Danger! High Voltage! is, if not a novelty song, close enough if you need one. What converted me was the discovery that E6 are basically AC/DC on acid and possibly sleep deprivation. They bring the riffs and every other song is about fucking, with the additional benefit of strange, original and thought-provoking lyrics (admittedly, the thought is usually "WTF?").

Exterminate is a bit more polished and commercial than previous albums, but having been absolutely shat on by critics and fans alike for the grossly underrated Switzerland, they seem to have bowed to the demands of the fratboys derided in It's Showtime! and brought back the giant riffs and shouting. However, for those of us who actually liked Switzerland, there's still plenty of relatively subtle, poppy material and electronica. Supposedly, the theme of the album is "excess" (write me 6000 words on the theme of "excess" by the end of today, two weeks detention). The lyrics appear to have, if not story arcs - this is not a Tom Waits review - a self-contained motif, as opposed to shrieking about fire and America and stuff (not that there's anything wrong with that). That doesn't mean I have any fucking idea what they're on about; although there does seem to be a significant whinge about women who are just too demanding (Kukuxumushu, White Train, Lenny Kravitz... I mean, suck it up, dude), there's still plenty of senseless rhyming for the people who like that sort of thing (Rip It, Dirty Looks). Along the way there are Easter Eggs like "Satan destroys you/but Jesus puts you in a bowl and smokes you" (White Train) and the title of this post (Kukuxumushu). Even the songs that are a bit less good may have irresistible hooks (Dance Pattern) or amusing lyrics (Fabulous People).

I wanted to post a selection of tracks that would represent the range of styles here, but quickly realised I would just end up posting the whole album, and if I do that I'm never going to get another Australian tour. So I chose these two as covering the rock-electronica spectrum:

Rip It - YAAAAAAAY RIFFS!!!
Broken Machine - Emo electronica, Gary Numan stylee. You know you're chronically depressed when you think shit like this is really profound. Help me, I'm turning emo!

I've been an impoverished student for the last five years and therefore missed their last tour. For the love of Zod, buy this album!

TISM for non-TISM fans

This is a range of TISM mp3's for people who haven't heard any TISM or who have only heard stuff like Greg! The Stop Sign! They're in chronological order, and were originally intended to show the diversity of TISM's oevre... then I realised that I'd just picked comparatively obscure songs that I like and that weren't so topical they were outdated or incomprehensible to anyone outside of Melbourne's south-east, so they're not that diverse.

Lyrics range from extremely clever (Sex Tonite) to extremely stupid (Sid Viscous), so there's something for all levels of intellectual development. The main thread is that they all bring the rock - even the comparatively electro (There's Gonna Be) Sex Tonite is crunchy and satisfying. Enjoy!

I'm Interested in Apathy, Great Truckin' Songs of the Renaissance
Let's Club It To Death, Hot Dogma
(There's Gonna Be) Sex Tonite, www.tism.wanker.com
Sid Viscous, Best Off bonus track

[EDIT: I've just re-uploaded the Christmas specials from 2004, I Ain't No Christian, But I Believe In Jesus and Then The Answer Came.]

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The album, not the country

I haven't had a chance to pick up the belowmentioned Electric Six album I Shall Exterminate Everything Around Me That Restricts Me From Being The Master, as I'm saving up to move house and will need the first month's rent and bond. I did buy a copy of Switzerland a while ago, and on searching blogs for it, was a little surprised that it didn't do very well. It doesn't have any obvious iconically awesome hits like Gay Bar or Danger! High Voltage!, so alternative radio seems to have just gone "Meh" and bloggers just shat on it from a great height.

This is a shame, because, whilst it would obviously be blasphemous and stupid to compare Switzerland to Exile On Main St, like that favourite Stones album* it's a good solid album on which every track is pretty decent and you have to listen quite a few times to mine all the awesome out of it. The production and riffs smother the fairly clever lyrics (I said clever, not intelligent!), so you can listen to a song for ages before you realise "Hey, this is fucking funny!". These are some of the more overtly sexy tracks.

Slices Of You
Germans In Mexico
Mr Woman

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*My favourite Stones album is Some Girls, continuing the theme of my tragic addiction to both rock AND disco.

Dick.... That's an interesting name. "Dick".

There is a new Electric 6 album out. It's called "I Shall Exterminate Everything Around Me That Restricts Me From Being The Master." This appears to be the first single.



If you've really missed TISM, but are more interested in the prosciutto and melon-like pairing of rock and disco than in lyrics that "make sense", I strongly recommend uncritically absorbing all of the Electric 6's oevre. Or egg.

Stereo Total vs drug withdrawal

I had an awful day on Friday - I'm trying to come off some prescription drugs, and the side effects are quite yucky. I had to go home from work in the middle of the day, costing me $100 in lost wages, and I wasn't entirely sure if I had gastro (caught from visiting my grandfather in hospital) or it was just the pills talking. I went home and slept for 6 hours, then miserably contemplated losing the money I'd paid to see Stereo Total at the Northcote Social Club. Anyway, I had something to eat, took a couple of parrots eat 'em all and hauled my sorry arse up to Northcote from the Deep South (ie Malvern). I'm so glad I did.

One lesson learned from this experience is that you DON'T have to loyally suffer through mediocre support bands, especially when withdrawing from happy pills, but under any circumstances, really. No matter how gorgeous the guys are (although the female drummer from whatever groovy nonentity was on when I got there had some very interesting tattoos), they suck and are 99.99999% unlikely to become The Next Big Thing, and even if they do they still suck. I went for a delicious felafel at the local Turkish halal kebabery and felt much better - a far more productive use of my time than breathing beer and farts because of the off-chance that I might not be able to be RIGHT UP THE FRONT (and when I got back I ended up front and centre anyway). Considering it was a sold-out show I feel quite fortunate - where are all these Australian fans coming from? Do Stereo Total get played on radio here? Or are there shitloads of people in Melbourne who are just as happy to get all their music off the internets as I am?

I was a tiny bit surprised by the singer's appearance, which is stupid of me - Françoise Cactus looks quite a bit like your high school's bursar (the person who handles payments, whom you just know has some kind of secret life involving latex). The show was charming and affable - odd descriptions for a punk rock show but they're an odd band. Françoise's naughty schoolmarm aura contrasted nicely with Brezel Göring's wild man of avant-garde thinger. They did a lot with minimal equipment, managing to fill a room with only a tiny drumkit (one snare, two hi-hats and an effects pedal) and a synthesiser - the bit where Göring played the pipes around the stage was especially priceless. For 'L'amour À 3' they dragged a slightly surprised (but very hot) Asian dude on stage to do the 'wa-OooOoo' bit. When they invited the audience on stage during 'Wir tanzen im 4-eck' (we are dancing in a square, we are dancing concentrated), someone nicked the banner that can be seen in this video, and the show halted while they entreated the souvenir-collector to give it back. I was hoping that during the fake encores (don't get me started on fake encores - just play the frickin' songs already) they'd play I Am Naked, but alas, clearly this was the mandated-by-law Song That Ms .45 Loves But Touring Bands Won't Play.

Whatever you do, you must see Stereo Total if they play in your town - the audience is HOTT!!! and the show is hilarious and warm and fluffy. To compensate for the tragic lack of I Am Naked, here's the German version on video, complete with HOTT!!! but slightly tubby people in their unterhosen.