It's 9th April. I have half of an honours thesis due in on 1st June. I have a 6000 word essay on the relationship between democracy and terrorism due in on 4th May. So, that's less than 4 weeks for the essay (I don't think they'll accept "There isn't one" as my full text, even though that's pretty much it), and less than eight weeks for the thesis, which has maybe another 6000 words to go, plus maybe 1500 words of conclusion. I've never had to write this much before, and I don't think my undergraduate degree has prepared me well for this workload. Seriously - you go from little baby essays to novellas. It's like, "OK, you've boiled a few eggs, now let's try making a five-course formal dinner involving souffle, thousand-year-old eggs, bombe alaska and homebrewed poitin".
To add a razor blade behind the eyeballs, I'm currently bleeding so hard I'm crying out for heroin, and I can't afford my happy pills, which doesn't just make me unhappy - I can deal with unhappy - it makes me gluggy and snotty, like a Clayton's head cold. I am basically out of action for one week, and obviously, there's one more due before the thesis has to be handed in. My sleeping habits have gone to hell for various reasons, meaning that I sleep until some stupid o'clock in the afternoon then feel like shit until I go to bed again.
It's times like these I like to try to invoke the Thesis Fairies. These mythical beings not only work for free, they leap into your ear, crawl into your brain, and pull out the delicious, gooey reasoning inside. The point is not that you haven't done your research - it's that you HAVE, and the Thesis Fairies crawl among the neurons and axons, find out what has to go on the page and where it came from, and voila! All your boring writing and referencing is done for you when you wake in the morning, refreshed and perky, to find your computer on and your fully footnoted (Harvard), beautifully and individually written thesis, which will totally pass a plagiarism Google because it's steaming fresh from your brain, all prettied up and exported to PDF ready for printing and distribution.
How do I call up these fairies? I certainly have enough blood to make a very decent sized pentagram, but it's a condition of my lease that I have to have the carpet cleaned before I move out, and I'd like half a chance of getting my bond back. Incense? Chanting? Poitin? What do you do to summon the Thesis Fairies?