Back in the '80s, Cracked was a lite version of Mad magazine. Today, it's a lite version of the Onion, a sort of JJJ to the Onion's RRR (I'm sorry, that's an Australian analogy - I don't really have any way of making it comprehensible to readers outside of, um, Melbourne). Still, I've only just discovered it, and if you love the Onion AV Club's Inventories, you'll be able to spend fucking hours poring over Cracked's lists. May I recommend:
The 20 Worst Cover Songs In Pop Music History
Oh, I wouldn't say the worst. Sheryl Crow's version of 'Sweet Child O' Mine' reveals Axl's true inner AOR nature. Celine Dion and Anastacia doing 'You Shook Me All Night Long' is indeed mediocre, but it's just mediocre - you can't kill a great song like that. (For evidence, track down a copy of Bing Ji Ling's version.) I've never dared listed to Duran Duran doing '911 Is A Joke'.
From N00b to Nerd: The 4 Stages of Life on the Internet
Real old people always claim things were better in their day, which of course is a lie. Human society used to consist of eating dung in a cave and now contains video games and mini-beef-burger pizzas, with an unbroken chain of improvements in between. When they say "Things were better in the old days," they really mean "Things were better for us, personally, when we weren't so ridiculously old, and all you idiots weren't here being young at us."
Yeah! Stop being young at us old people!
What to expect from sex (as dictated by internet porn)
AFTERWARDS, YOU'RE ALLOWED TO HOLD MONEY OUT AND DRIVE AWAY: There's nothing funnier than showing some dumb bitch who's boss. You are truly a real man. That woman's low self-esteem and willingness to fuck you have rightly earned her public humiliation and financial destitution. Can someone say hot? Go, you!
I'm not sure whether this makes me suicidal or homicidal. Thank you, Hizballah/Hamas/Tamil Tigers, for making this choice a non-issue.
11 Guy Movie Classics (And Why They Secretly Suck)
Kudos to anyone who admits that Donnie Darko and The Usual Suspects blow chunks. Note also that this list includes Terminator, but not Terminator 2. And rightly so. (If I'm not a guy, why do guys keep knocking me back with the line "You're like a brother to me"?)